Understanding the Difference Between Complex Grief and Normal Grief
Grief doesn’t follow rules. It isn’t linear, and it doesn’t come with a checklist. You can’t predict it, and you can’t prepare for how it will feel when it arrives. But as unpredictable as it is, there’s a difference between the grief we expect after loss and the kind that quietly takes hold and doesn’t let go. This is the difference between complex grief vs. normal grief or in order grief vs. out of order grief, and understanding that difference is more important than many people realize.
For a long time, I thought I understood grief, both through years of counseling and personal experience. But after my husband passed, I found myself learning grief again. I had to walk through it slowly, carefully, sometimes painfully, and figure out where the pain was part of healing, and where it was something more complicated. That’s what I want to share with you today.
What Is Normal (In order) Grief?
Normal grief is, in many ways, the kind we expect after a loss. It’s sometimes referred to as “In order” grief, because we expect these losses – the loss of our grandparents and parents, for example. That doesn’t mean it’s simple or easy. It’s still full of sorrow, exhaustion, anger, and moments of deep confusion. But with time, most people notice a slow shift. Some days are better than others. The fog lifts, little by little. Memories begin to carry both sadness and sweetness. There’s movement, even if it’s small.
In normal grief, people still struggle, but they often begin to find a new rhythm. They may still cry or feel low, but they can function. They show up for their families. They feel moments of joy again. They reconnect with the world. That doesn’t mean they’re “over it” because grief never really leaves us, but it means they’re carrying it with more balance.
What Is Complex (Out of Order) Grief?
Complex grief, sometimes called prolonged grief disorder, is when the pain doesn’t ease over time. Instead, it stays stuck, like the loss just happened yesterday, even months or years later. The sadness doesn’t soften. The ability to function might be lost. Life may feel like it has stopped completely.
“Out of Order” grief is usually complex, because we feel thrown off our axis with such an unexpected loss. The loss of a child is the most common “out of order” loss, but others fall into this category as well.
This is where the conversation about complex grief vs. normal grief becomes necessary. With complex grief, someone may experience intense emotional pain that doesn’t change. They might avoid reminders of the loss or, in contrast, immerse themselves in them constantly. They might feel like their life has no purpose. And they’re often unable to find relief or healing without help.
There is no shame in that. Complex grief isn’t weakness or failure. It’s a response to deep, life-changing pain that needs more support to work through.
Why the Difference Matters in Healing
It’s important to understand complex grief vs. normal grief because support looks different depending on where someone is. A person with normal grief might find comfort in routine, time with loved ones, or journaling their thoughts. But someone experiencing complex grief might need structured help. That can include grief coaching, therapy, or other focused support that helps them re-engage with life.
Recognizing the signs early allows people to get the help they need before the grief becomes even more overwhelming. It also helps families and friends better support their loved ones, without pushing them to “move on” when they simply can’t.
My Experience with Grief, and Why I Talk About It So Openly
When Bob died, there were days I wondered if I was grieving “the right way.” As a counselor and educator, I knew there were different paths. But living it, feeling it in my bones, was another thing entirely. Some days I was okay. Others, I wasn’t. There were stretches where I couldn’t tell what was normal and what wasn’t anymore.
That’s why I talk about complex grief vs. normal grief openly. Because too often, we compare our grief to someone else’s. We worry we’re doing it wrong. And we forget that grief, no matter what kind, needs care and compassion.
Final Note
Whether you’re walking through normal grief or finding yourself stuck in something deeper, like complex grief, you’re not broken. You’re human. And healing, whatever that looks like for you, is possible.
At Profoundly Changed, I work with individuals at all stages of grief. My background in counseling, combined with my own lived experience, allows me to walk beside others with both empathy and expertise. If you’re not sure what kind of grief you’re carrying, I hope this helped you feel a little more seen and a little more hopeful.
