Grief Coaching

Susan Rardon Rose Ph.D.

profoundly changed

On October 20, 2020, my life was... Profoundly Changed!

That is the day that my amazing husband of 37 years, Bob Rose, went to be with Jesus. This changed my life in so many ways that it feels like I will forever be finding my footing again. One of the early things I heard myself say over and over again is, “You marry someone, because you can’t imagine life without them. Then, when you have to really do life without them, it’s unimaginable.”

 

This space is my attempt to move forward through life with Bob by helping others. As a Counselor by trade, I have the education, but now I have the true experience of losing my soulmate. Note that I use the term "move forward" rather than "move on", because one cannot move on from love. That love remains with us! We just learn to address it differently with our energies. There is no returning to "normal". Life will be different now just as it was different when he joined my life. The pages within the site as well as the Blog will share healthy ways to grieve that I have learned in my counseling education as well as my experiences as a widow (I hate that word!). We can't truly understand one's experience until we have walked the journey, but let's try to treat people with respect and dignity as we stumble through the pain that is grief.

Understanding Loss

In order to understand grief, we must first understand loss in all its formats. Grief can be defined as the neuropsychobiological response to any kind of significant loss, with elements both typical and unique to each individual or situation. The grief response is generally associated with degrees of suffering, at times intense or even unbearable, and of widely variable duration. Grief is a systemic event, whether the system is an individual or a larger group of individuals thrown out of equilibrium through changes brought on by loss. (Bruce, 2007, p. ES33)

 

Without an understanding of loss, people risk having difficulty identifying and responding effectively to grief-related problems. I is common to seal over grief from previous losses, sometimes masking it with alcohol or drugs. Children and teens may develop other maladaptive behaviors such as aggression to cope with anger from a significant unresolved loss.

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    According to Therese Rando (1984), losses may be of two kinds:1. Tangible (Physical): the permanent loss of a life or an object(like a home in a fire) the state of having experienced the death of a significant person.2. Symbolic (Psychosocial): the loss of a role, identity, bodily function or a relationship. (Divorce and job demotion are examples of symbolic losses.)


    Symbolic loss is not always identified or recognized as a loss, and therefore those experiencing symbolic, or “psychosocial,” loss may not realize they need to grieve.


     Individuals express their grief uniquely! It is important to understand “normal” and “complicated” grief reactions for your own healing.Most often, the social and emotional support that is provided by friends, families, and communities is sufficient to assist an individual with normal grief (although the pandemic disrupted these usual supports). This is known as "normal" grief and is defined in mental health as the loss of a loved one that begins to fade into adequate coping mechanism within six months. Over the course of time, with average social support and the opportunity to participate in mourning rituals within a cultural or spiritual community, most individuals will gradually experience a diminishment of acute grief reactions. Normal grief includes common reactions from the chart below.


    Individuals with complicated grief may have persistent distress long after a loss. A history of depression, anxiety, or difficult adjustment to previous losses may be contributing factors. Grief therapy is typically recommended for those with complicated or prolonged grief.


    Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, MD, (1969), a physician who studied individuals diagnosed with terminal illness who were facing death, made major contributions to our understanding of grief. Publications in the 1960’s and 1970’s described her stage model:

    1. Denial and Isolation

    2. Anger

    3. Sadness/Depression

    4. Bargaining

    5. Acceptance


    Kubler-Ross later stated that she never intended for her stages to be used as they were. We cycle through them and back throughout our life.


    Grief is not regulated by a specific timeline! We learn to walk alongside grief rather than overcome it move forward rather than move on.

Common reactions to loss

Experiencing Grief

 I have taught grief counseling for over eleven years and have lost my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and others that I have loved dearly. So, I truly thought I was as knowledgeable as I could be on the subject.

 

Yet, knowing a topic in your head is not the same as experiencing it at a level so deep that one might feel buried or swallowed up by it. It's analogous to that tired old phrase that the physician cannot heal himself. Moving what we may know in our head to our heart is a journey over many miles and rough terrain that takes years and diligent work to accomplish.

 

This is what I feel compelled to share as we don't give grief the time that it deserves. It's uncomfortable, so we sweep it under the rug or shove it in the closet. Yet, we can't ignore it. Grief demands its time. If we don't intentionally give it its time, it takes from us when we least expect it.

 

The early loss of my amazing husband caused me to take a long look at my own grief and my understanding of it. He fought for five long years, and we were sure he was going to overcome this dreaded rare blood disorder called Amyloidosis. Yet, we were forced to face the truth and, therefore, went through anticipatory grief as a couple.

 

Then, he told me he was ready. I joked, because that's how we interacted, that of course he was ready. He was going to walk on streets of gold and meet Jesus, but I was going to be stuck down here by myself.

 

And, that is exactly how it felt in the beginning. I have a wonderful, supportive family, but I don't have my soul-mate, my best friend, and all those roles he filled.

 

Facing this intense grief was, and still is at times, overwhelming, but I'm learning each day.

 

I'm hoping my experiences, with my background in counseling, will be helpful to you.

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