profoundly changed

"Intelligence plus character – that is the goal of true education." - Martin Luther King, Jr. It is one of the primary responsibilities of the school counselor to provide their students with the necessary tools to be able to control their own behavior in a positive and appropriate fashion. This is what is known as EQ or Emotional Quotient. Counselors teach their students how to understand and manage human emotions, encouraging the development of “internal assets” such as integrity, honesty, restraint, empathy, decisiveness, and friendship-making skills. Understanding Emotional Intelligence John D. Mayer, a researcher and associate professor of psychology at the University of New Hampshire, and Peter Salovey, a Yale University psychology professor, coined the term emotional intelligence in 1990 after exploring the relationships between cognitive brain functions (such as memory, reasoning, judgment, and abstract thought) and affect (including emotions, moods, and feelings of fatigue or energy). They describe emotional intelligence as the ability to recognize how you and those around you are feeling, as well as the ability to generate, understand, and regulate emotions. Once labeled, the concept of emotional intelligence spread rapidly. In 1995, Daniel Goleman, a psychologist and writer for The New York Times, expanded on the Mayer-Salovey theory claiming that the art of understanding and managing human emotions “can matter more than IQ” in determining whether a person leads a successful life (Goleman, 1995). Focusing on emotional intelligence or the emotional quotient concentrates our efforts on encouraging “internal assets”. These assets include caring, motivation to achieve, commitment to equality and social justice, integrity, honesty, responsibility, self-control, planning and decision-making abilities, self-esteem, a sense of purpose, and a positive view of a personal future. The Importance of Early Development By the time a person reaches adulthood, emotional habits are fairly well set. To change, an adult must unlearn and then relearn behavior. So, it’s up to us as the School Counselor to ensure that we are building the child’s emotional intelligence correctly from the beginning. Emotional intelligence works along with personal styles or traits. People can be emotionally intelligent whether they are extroverts or introverts, warm or aloof, emotional or calm. It’s the development of such attributes as conflict-solving skills, self-motivation, or impulse control that proponents agree can contribute much to a child’s ultimate success. Success also involves staying centered on a positive path to avoid risk behaviors such as violence, drug and alcohol abuse, tobacco use, sexual activity, and others. The Role of Caregivers in Emotional Development Hundreds of studies show that how caregivers such as parents, teachers, counselors, etc., treat children in general – whether with warmth and nurturing or with harsh discipline – deeply affects a child’s emotional life. But these caregivers can also intentionally guide children to develop emotional skills. Adults can teach empathy by simply expressing their own feelings frequently, pointing out another person’s feelings, and encouraging the child to share his or her feelings. Children develop optimistic outlooks when they observe their parents’ optimism, says Lawrence E. Shapiro (1997). Shapiro, who frequently uses creative games to teach, suggests the “Stay Calm” game to develop anger control. While one child concentrates on playing pick-up sticks, another child is allowed to tease him in any way he likes as long as he doesn’t actually touch him. Each player gets one point for picking up each stick and two points for showing no reaction to the teasing. Strategies for Enhancing Emotional Intelligence in Students Helping People. Regularly spend time, whether as a family or as a school community, helping others. Volunteer at local shelters or nursing homes. Show care for your neighbors. Empathy. Model mutual respect in the school community. Do not tolerate insults, put-downs, name-calling, or bullying. Talk about how selfish or hurtful choices and behaviors affect other people. Decision-Making Skills. Include your students in decisions that affect them. Give them a chance to talk, listen to them respectfully, and consider their feelings and opinions. Allow for mistakes; don’t blow up at a poor decision. Instead, help them learn from their errors. Planning Skills. Give your teenagers daily planners or date books and demonstrate how to use them. Show them how to plan ahead for long-term assignments so they’re not overwhelmed at the last minute. Self-Esteem. Celebrate each child’s uniqueness. Find something special to value and affirm. Express your love (unconditional positive regard) regularly and often. Treat your students with respect. Listen without interrupting; talk without yelling even if they are interrupting and yelling. Hope. Inspire hope by being hopeful. Don’t dismiss your student’s dreams as naïve or unrealistic. Instead, share their enthusiasm. Eliminate pessimistic phrases from your professional learning community’s vocabulary. Replace, “It won’t work” with “Why not try”. My father always told me, “It never hurts to ask” and “The worst they can do is say no”. Just this thinking provides hope. Assertiveness. Teach your students the difference between assertiveness (positive and affirming), aggression (negative and demanding), and passivity (vulnerable and effortless). Point out examples of these behaviors in movies, television programs, media, and the community. Teach your students to stick up for themselves instead of going along with the crowd because it’s easier. Conclusion Emotional intelligence is a crucial aspect of a child's development and ultimate success. As school counselors, it is our responsibility to foster these skills in our students from an early age. By implementing strategies that promote empathy, decision-making, self-esteem, and assertiveness, we can help our students build a strong emotional foundation. This, in turn, will enable them to navigate life's challenges with resilience and confidence, ensuring they lead successful and fulfilling lives. References Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence. Bantam Books. Shapiro, L. E. (1997). How to raise a child with high EQ – A parents guide to emotional intelligence. Harper Collins.

The End of Physical Presence, Not Connection Morrie Schwartz’s profound words offer a comforting perspective on the enduring nature of love and relationships. Though death may take away the physical presence of our loved ones, the bonds we share with them continue to live on, shaping our lives and the lives of others. When a loved one passes away, it is natural to feel a profound sense of loss and emptiness. The physical absence can be overwhelming, leading us to believe that the relationship has ended. However, as Schwartz reminds us, death does not sever the connection we have with our loved ones. The love, memories, and experiences we shared continue to exist, deeply embedded in our hearts and minds. The Enduring Power of Love Love is a powerful force that transcends time and space. The love we create during our lives does not vanish with death; it remains a part of us and continues to influence and shape us. Every act of kindness, every shared moment, and every expression of love contributes to a legacy that endures beyond our physical existence. The impact we have on others is one of the most significant aspects of our lives. Through our relationships, we touch and nurture the lives of those around us. The lessons we impart, the support we offer, and the love we share create a ripple effect that extends far beyond our time on earth. In this way, we live on in the hearts of everyone we have touched and nurtured. The Legacy of Love Creating a legacy of love is perhaps the most meaningful achievement we can strive for. This legacy is built through our interactions, our compassion, and our ability to connect with others on a deep and meaningful level. When we focus on nurturing and uplifting those around us, we ensure that our influence endures, leaving a lasting imprint on the world. It is important to embrace the idea that relationships do not end with death. By holding onto the love and memories we shared, we keep our loved ones alive in our hearts. We honor their memory by continuing to live in a way that reflects the values and love they imparted to us. This mindset allows us to find comfort and solace in knowing that our loved ones are still with us, guiding and inspiring us. Finding Strength in Love's Legacy In moments of grief and sorrow, remembering the enduring nature of love can provide strength and comfort. The love we received and the love we gave are eternal, serving as a foundation upon which we can build our lives. By focusing on this lasting connection, we can find the resilience to move forward, honoring our loved ones by living fully and meaningfully. One of the most powerful ways to honor those we have lost is by celebrating the impact they had on our lives. Sharing stories, cherishing memories, and living by the principles they taught us are ways to keep their spirit alive. By doing so, we not only preserve their legacy but also inspire others to appreciate and cultivate their relationships. Conclusion: The Eternal Nature of Love Morrie Schwartz's quote beautifully encapsulates the idea that while death may end a life, it does not end a relationship. The love we create endures, living on in the hearts of those we have touched. This perspective offers solace and hope, reminding us that our loved ones are never truly gone. They live on through the love they gave, the lives they touched, and the legacy they left behind.  As we navigate the complexities of loss and grief, let us remember the enduring power of love. By cherishing the connections we have and honoring the memories of those we have lost, we continue their legacy and ensure that their influence remains a guiding light in our lives. In this way, we transform our grief into a celebration of the profound and lasting impact of love.

The Importance of Role Models Research supports that children will thrive if they have just one positive role model. Kids are not necessarily troublemakers. It’s just that the teenage years bring on that developmental stage where they are individuating from their parents. But, they still need that most important sense of belonging. They just need a place where they feel comfortable, connected, and welcome. They need a mentor, friend, or adult role model who believes in them and guides them to make positive life choices as a young person. You can use your role as the School Counselor and your School Counselor program to provide role models for your students that match the values of the professional learning community! But, you can also be that support as the counselor. Tired, tense, and overextended counselors sometimes inadvertently fail at supporting their students in the way they need. Educators often give material favors or “empty praise” as expressions of support, yet the teen remains apathetic. Giving rewards doesn’t satisfy the question lurking deep inside, “Do my counselors and teachers really care about me?” and therefore fail to be the real support they require. We choose to spend time with people and activities that we love and bring us joy. If we rob our students of our time in lieu of material and financial objects, then they get the underlying message they are not valued and/or loved. Time is valuable, especially at this time of life when our teens are testing everyone’s love. Strategies to Strengthen the Counselor/Student Relationship Plan Surprises. Leave notes for your students or pull a few together for a special surprise such as a dessert you’ve prepared, a popcorn party, etc. The time that you spent preparing the note or dessert sends an important message. Remember, actions speak louder than words! Play Together. If personalities are clashing, play can lessen the tension. Pull the students to exercise, study together, or simply play board games. Use anything that promotes discussion as the “play”. Ask Their Opinions. Allowing student input relates the message that their opinions are valuable and leads to less friction and more understanding. Talking it out helps! Be Accessible. An “open door” policy requires making yourself available to students. Be available during transition points in your student’s day as well as for appointments when they need extended time. Be There for Your Students. Attend your student’s sports events, plays, concerts, etc. Your presence is a gift of time that is priceless. Eat Lunch with the Kids. Make it a habit to eat with the students. Whether you are pulling specific students for special time with you or simply eating in their space, your presence is time given to them. Celebrate for Trying. Give flowers after cheerleading tryouts (to all – not just those who make the squad), give a CD for running for class office or for completing a special academic project. But, remember, these must be true gifts – not rewards every time your students do something. They should not expect something – surprise is important here. The point is to show that stepping out and trying is valuable. Say No! Being firm and consistent across the school culture speaks a message of love and loyalty. On a deeper level that one only realizes as they mature, we appreciate our parents, teachers, and administrators for being firm. Acknowledge Their Coming and Going Welcome them as they come into school. Part with, “I love you. Be careful;” or “Hang in there.”

How We Shape the Future School counselors play a crucial role in the educational ecosystem, guiding students through their academic, social, and emotional development. To be a school counselor is to believe in the future of our society and want to be a part of the people who will make a change for the world. This belief in the potential of every student is the foundation upon which the work of a counselor is built. Advocates for Student Success At the core of a school counselor's role is the advocacy for student success. Counselors work closely with students to help them navigate the challenges they face, both inside and outside the classroom. They provide a safe and supportive environment where students can express their concerns and aspirations. Through individual counseling sessions, group workshops, and classroom guidance, counselors equip students with the tools they need to overcome obstacles and achieve their goals. Fostering Emotional and Social Development School counselors recognize the importance of emotional and social development in a student's life. They are trained to identify and address mental health issues, helping students develop coping strategies and resilience. By fostering a supportive atmosphere, counselors encourage students to build healthy relationships, understand their emotions, and develop empathy towards others. This holistic approach not only enhances students' well-being but also prepares them to be compassionate and responsible members of society. Navigating Academic and Career Pathways In addition to supporting students' emotional and social growth, school counselors also guide them in their academic and career journeys. They help students explore their interests and strengths, providing information on various educational and career opportunities. Counselors assist in the development of academic plans, ensuring students are on track to graduate and pursue higher education or enter the workforce. By empowering students with knowledge and resources, counselors enable them to make informed decisions about their futures. Building a Positive School Culture School counselors are instrumental in building a positive school culture where diversity is celebrated, and inclusivity is prioritized. They work collaboratively with teachers, administrators, and parents to create an environment that supports all students, regardless of their background or abilities. Counselors lead initiatives that promote kindness, respect, and understanding, fostering a sense of belonging within the school community. Agents of Change The work of a school counselor extends beyond the walls of the school. They are advocates for systemic change, addressing issues such as bullying, inequality, and access to resources. By collaborating with community organizations and stakeholders, counselors strive to create a more equitable and just society. Their dedication to making a difference in the lives of students is a testament to their belief in the power of education as a catalyst for change. Final Thoughts To be a school counselor is to commit to the betterment of future generations. It is a profession grounded in the belief that every student has the potential to succeed and contribute positively to the world. Through their unwavering support and guidance, school counselors are not only shaping the futures of individual students but also contributing to the broader goal of building a brighter, more hopeful society.

Navigating Life Underwater: The Duality of Grief Charlotte Levin's poignant words capture the essence of living with grief. Grief is transformative. When we lose someone we love deeply, a part of us dies with them. The person we were before their loss is forever changed. We become ghosts of our former selves, navigating a world that looks the same but feels profoundly different. This new existence is like living underwater, where every action requires immense effort, and even breathing feels foreign. Levin's metaphor of negotiating life under an ocean is incredibly apt. Grief submerges us in an ocean of sorrow, making everyday tasks feel like monumental challenges. Shopping for groceries, getting ready in the morning, going to work, even brushing your teeth some days — these ordinary activities become exercises in survival. We move through them as if drowning, each breath a struggle, each step a reminder of our loss. The Unliveable Reality In the depths of grief, life feels unliveable. The weight of our sorrow is so heavy that it seems impossible to bear. We think, “No one could live with this.” And yet, we do. Somehow, despite the overwhelming pain, we continue to move forward. It's not really as if we have a choice. It really is amazing that God made our resilience both astonishing and mysterious, a testament to the human spirit's capacity to endure even the greatest of losses. Amidst the constant drowning, there are moments of respite. Occasionally, our heads rise above the water, and we catch glimpses of our former selves. We find something funny and laugh, experiencing a fleeting moment of joy. These moments are precious, offering brief reprieves from the relentless waves of grief. They remind us that life, even in its altered state, can still hold fragments of happiness. Grief forces us to live in a state of duality. We are simultaneously the person who existed before the loss and someone entirely new. This duality is challenging to reconcile. We must learn to embrace the parts of ourselves that remain while acknowledging and honoring the profound changes we have undergone. It is a delicate balance, one that requires immense patience and self-compassion. The Journey Forward As we navigate this underwater existence, we must allow ourselves to feel the full range of our emotions. It is okay to feel submerged, to struggle with the weight of our grief. It is also okay to rise above the water, to laugh, and to find joy in moments that surprise us. Both experiences are valid and essential parts of the grieving process. Grief reshapes us, and in doing so, it reveals new facets of our identity. We must learn to embrace this new self, to understand that while we may never be the same, we can still find meaning and purpose in our lives. Our loved ones may be gone, but their impact on us remains. Their memory continues to shape who we are and how we move through the world. Conclusion: The Ongoing Dance Living with grief is an ongoing dance between drowning and resurfacing. It is a journey that requires us to navigate the depths of our sorrow while also seeking moments of light and laughter. Charlotte Levin’s words remind us that this dance is a natural part of the grieving process. By accepting and embracing the duality of our existence, we can find a way to live with our loss.  As we move forward, let us remember to be gentle with ourselves. Grief is not a linear journey but a complex tapestry of emotions. By acknowledging our pain and celebrating our moments of joy, we honor both our past and our present. We learn to live with our grief, not as a burden, but as a testament to the love we have lost and the strength we have found.

Navigating Adolescence: The Role of Parents and Counselors "When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But, when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years." - Mark Twain One of the troubles when working with children is that just when you think you are getting the hang of it, the rules change. They become adolescents. The basic directive that children need our unconditional love, acceptance, and nurturing always applies. Yet, when we do not continuously adapt our behaviors and expectations to match children’s developmental changes, we risk defeating their efforts to grow up, not to mention endangering the health of our relationship with them. Nowhere is this need for unconditional love and acceptance more apparent than during our children’s early adolescence when an astonishing metamorphosis takes place. Seemingly overnight, those reasonably cooperative, affectionate, admiring creatures from elementary school transform into a rather unappreciative, moody, and hypercritical bunch who find us known as adults hopelessly lacking. Everything about us is now suspicious. Suffice it to say, “We just don’t understand.” And, we as school counselors have partners in this new development – their parents. This sudden fall from grace and strident declaration of independence can be devastating for them. It feels like rejection. In the words of these adolescents, it’s not fair! After all those Moms and Dads have done for these youngsters, how dare they turn on them?! Not only are they hurt, but they’re scared. At a time when the dangers and the stakes loom greater than ever, parents worry that they are losing control and influence over their children. This is where we can work together for their good. Balancing Parenting and Friendship First, we can remind the parents not to put their job as parents after being friends with our children. Friends are equals. Childhood friends drop each other and move on to other friendships, experiencing all the different personalities that life has to offer. Friends don’t guide, nurture, and protect each other; they don’t set boundaries and limits for each other. (Minton, 2008) Being a parent is not an adversarial relationship, but one in which clear lines are drawn about who is in charge. If parents don’t create a solid, secure base from which their child can explore the world, they are probably being a friend rather than a parent. (Minton, 2008) Children have many friends; they have two parents - and that's only if they're lucky. (Sadly, many have one or are being raised by grandparents or others.) Parents have to be parents first, and the friendship will follow in due time. When parents try to be friends with their children it sends a confusing message. It undermines a child’s feelings of security for parents to be inconsistent in their role. (Minton, 2008) Understanding Adolescent Development Next, we can assure parents that this stage is a product of development; we all pass through it. One illustration is from my own personal relationship with my daughter. We had shared a special, close relationship when she was younger. We enjoyed going to concerts, the ballet, and shopping together. So, I thought I had done everything “right” and we would not go through a “rough spot”. After all, I had studied psychology and knew what to do. Yet, no one escapes this stage. Bridging the Gap for Adolescents Finally, we can bridge the gap for adolescents who do not have parents with the wherewithal or capacity to provide the parental involvement for successful academic achievement. Some parents carry baggage due to their own lack of success in school. They usually are not aware that they are carrying this baggage, but it impedes their ability to provide proper boundaries and/or appropriate emotional support. It is not that they do not care; it’s that they do not know. So, it’s up to us as counselors to empower parents by collaborating with them and walking alongside them to both teach them and support their child. MYTHS AND REALITIES FOR PARENTS AND SCHOOL COUNSELORS Our culture is permeated with parenthood myths such as the one of being able to escape the adolescent stage of development mentioned in the previous blog. These, of course, hinder the parenting process and can cause them to feel defeated. Accurate information about child and adolescent development helps stressed parents feel relief. So, from my School Counselor experience, I’ve offered some myths you can dispel for your parents to help empower them. I’m sure you are aware of these from your own counseling training, but it’s good to revisit them for your parents. MYTH 1: GOOD PARENTS DO EVERYTHING THEY CAN FOR THEIR CHILDREN Actually, quite the opposite is true! Good parents encourage their children to do and handle as much as they can for themselves, including the consequences of their mistakes. Particularly during the teenage years, they avoid swooping in to play “Ms. or Mr. Fix-it” and instead take pride in their children’s growing assumption of responsibility for their problems and blunders. Supportive parents actively listen and ask powerful questions: “Do you feel like talking?”; “Is there anything else you can share with me to help me understand?”; “What do you think?”; “What do you need?”; “How can we work this out?” The answers are not as important as the conversation. That is, the adolescent needs to feel connected and that someone is listening and caring. Put yourself in a position to be with your child and listen and wait more; you don’t always have to respond. Simply be there to pose these questions and allow the child to use the parent as a “sounding board” to work these issues out for him/herself. It has been a source of great happiness for me that I was able to stay home with our children when they were young, but this also caused me some stress when they were ready to go to school. They had never been away from me for any length of time. So, when my oldest went to Kindergarten, I sat in the back of the room on the first day in case he needed me. After about twenty minutes, he politely came back to me and said, “Mom, you can go now if you want.” It was then that I realized that I needed him, not the other way around. MYTH 2: IF WE HAVE ENJOYED A SOLID RELATIONSHIP WITH OUR PRE-ADOLESCENT CHILDREN, THEN WE CAN COUNT ON BEING THE EXCEPTION TO THE RULE. UNLIKE THE NEIGHBOR’S KIDS, OUR TEENAGERS WILL NOT MOUTH OFF, QUESTION EVERYTHING WE SAY, OR TRY ANYTHING OF WHICH WE DO NOT APPROVE If only that were true – but it is not! If teenagers do not exhibit any of these behaviors, that is probably more a cause for concern than if they do. On the other hand, the good news is that contrary to the bleak picture painted by much of the media, most teenagers make it through adolescence successfully and remain attached to their parents. The emotional bond between parents and their children remains important throughout adolescence. It is what gives adolescents the emotional foundation to reach out and develop a sense of self beyond the family. MYTH 3: RESPONSIBLE PARENTS DO NOT LOOSEN CONTROLS DURING THE SCARY DAYS OF ADOLESCENCE – THEY TIGHTEN THEM This approach amounts to throwing gasoline on a fire to put it out! Increasing the number of rules, punishments, interrogations, and lectures from “on high” is like issuing an invitation to your children to go into immediate resistance mode or, at the very least, tune you out. It is not that teenagers do not need limits and guidance. In fact, when parents fail to provide limits, they are apt to conclude their parents do not care enough to offer any limits. Barbara Minton (2008) provides a good example in Strong Boundaries Create Secure Children. Imagine you are standing on the roof deck of a skyscraper. There are no railings, the wind is blowing and the building sways. Where would you be? You would probably be in the center where you could gather some feeling of security. Now imagine there are high sturdy railings around the edge of the roof deck. You walk over to the railing, push on it a few times to make sure it is sturdy and will hold. Now you feel secure and free to stand by the edge, maybe even look down or out into the beyond. Those railings really changed the experience. You went from feeling insecure to feeling secure just by having a firm boundary around you. It is just this kind of feeling of security your child is after when he challenges you to set firm and consistent limits and boundaries for him. When you set solid limits and boundaries for your child, you are sending him a clear message that says, “I care about you and I want you to be safe and feel secure as you learn about the world. I am an authority on whom you can always rely.” Yet, adolescents feel resentful and degraded when parents continue to make top-down decisions and don’t acknowledge their developmental strides by soliciting their input. This does not mean that you are automatically becoming your child’s friend. They have enough friends. You are still the parent. The difference is that you are diplomatically teaching them how to make their own decisions once they are out on their own by allowing them input into the decisions of their life now within the limits of your control and role modeling the thought process of appropriate decision-making within these limits. Limits are the safe zone for your child. Within the limits, the world is safe and predictable. It’s easier for your child to venture out into the rest of the world when he knows there is this safe zone you have created for him. (Minton, 2008) THE TRUTH: MORE THAN EVER, CARING PARENTS MATTER! Though our young adolescents may appear to be retreating from us, the last thing they want is for us to pull away as well. More than ever, they depend on us to be a “safety net” – the constant they can count on to listen and care in a sea of change. It is in the context of warm, supportive connections with us that our children grow sturdy wings capable of carrying them to confident independence. Conclusion Peer pressure is an inevitable part of growing up, but with the right support and strategies, students can learn to navigate it positively. By creating a supportive environment, educating students about peer pressure, and encouraging critical thinking, school counselors can help students make healthy, independent choices. By fostering self-esteem and positive peer relationships, we can empower students to resist negative influences and embrace their unique identities. In working with parents, it’s crucial to support their role and help them navigate the challenging adolescent years. By emphasizing the importance of parental boundaries, understanding adolescent development, and bridging gaps for those lacking support, we can create a stronger, more positive environment for our students. References Minton, Barbara L. (2008). Strong Boundaries Create Secure Children. Natural News, May 10, 2008. Retrieved from http://www.naturalnews.com/023208_child_children_life.html .

The Irreplaceable Loss Losing someone you can't live without is an experience that shatters your world. It's as if a part of you has been ripped away, leaving a gaping hole that nothing else can fill. The bad news, as Lamott so poignantly states, is that you never completely get over this loss. Your heart remains broken, and the pain of their absence is a constant companion. The Everlasting Presence However, there is a silver lining in this profound sorrow. The good news is that they live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. Their memory, their love, and their influence remain with you, woven into the very fabric of your being. This eternal presence in your heart is a testament to the depth of your connection and the impact they had on your life. Coming Through the Pain Navigating through grief is a journey of survival and resilience. Despite the brokenness, you come through. It’s like that broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold. The pain is a reminder of your loss, a scar that signifies the love that once was. But, even with this pain, you learn to move forward, to live, and to find moments of joy and purpose. Learning to dance with a limp is a powerful metaphor for living with grief. It acknowledges that the pain never fully goes away; it becomes a part of you. Yet, it also emphasizes the possibility of finding grace, beauty, and movement despite the hurt. You adapt, you find new rhythms, and you continue to dance through life, honoring the memory of your loved one with every step. Yet, the moments of joy you experience do not diminish the depth of your loss, nor do they betray the memory of your loved one. Instead, they are a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the enduring nature of love. By allowing yourself to feel joy, you are not forgetting them; you are celebrating the life and love you shared. Honoring the Memory Living with a broken heart means finding ways to honor the memory of your loved one. This might involve continuing traditions, engaging in activities they loved, or simply sharing their stories. By keeping their memory alive, you ensure that their legacy lives on through you. Conclusion: The Dance of Life In conclusion, Anne Lamott’s words remind us that while we may never fully heal from the loss of someone we can't live without, we can learn to dance with the limp. This dance is a tribute to the love we shared and a testament to our resilience. By embracing our broken hearts and finding new rhythms, we honor the memory of our loved ones and continue to live fully. As we move forward, let us remember that our loved ones live on in our hearts, guiding us with their memory and love. And with every step we take, we continue the dance of life, carrying them with us in spirit and in love.  Love and peace to all who are navigating their own journeys of grief. May we find strength in our shared experiences and learn to dance gracefully, even with our broken hearts.

The Reality of Peer Pressure "The ugly reality is that peer pressure reaches its greatest intensity at just the age when kids tend to be most insensitive and cruel." ~ Walt Mueller Adolescence ushers in a phase where friends become the most important part of one’s existence. And, with those relationships comes the added responsibility of working with those friends or peers. Peer pressure has been around since the dawn of time. Most of us can think of several stories with peer pressure as the theme. The one that comes to mind most often, for me, is Mark Twain’s The Glorious Whitewasher (Chapter two of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer). If you weren’t lucky enough to have this as part of your reading in school, a summary follows from SparkNotes (SparkNotes Editors, 2017.

I Miss My Old Life, the One with You in It Grief is a peculiar companion. It nestles into the corners of your life, wrapping around every memory, every routine, and every moment of joy or sadness. When I say, "I miss my old life, the one with you in it," I am not merely speaking about a person who is no longer here. I am speaking about the entire tapestry of existence that was woven with your presence, a life that feels incomplete and foreign without you. The Daily Rhythm of Love Our old life was a symphony of shared experiences and mutual care. The simple routines of everyday living held profound significance because they were shared with you. Waking up each morning to the sound of your voice, sharing a cup of coffee while discussing our plans for the day, and the comfort of knowing that no matter what the world threw at us, we faced it together. I have learned that it's the everyday moments, which seem mundane at the time, that are the true building blocks of our life. It's not the grand vacations or the over the top celebrations. It's shopping (with someone to hold you packages and offer advice), weekend mowing and gardening, watching our favorite shows, and even the quiet moments of just sitting together. These were the threads that wove our lives into a beautiful tapestry of love and companionship. I miss the laughter, the shared jokes, the knowing glances, and the comfort of your presence. The Role of Caregiver In the last five years of your life, my role as your caregiver gave my life extended purpose and even deepened our relationship. It was a role I tried to embrace with love and dedication, despite the challenges it brought. You used to say, "You have to stay healthy, because someone has to take care of us." Those words were a testament to our partnership, to the mutual care that defined our relationship. We took care of each other in every way imaginable. Losing you meant losing a significant part of my identity. The transition from wife and all the titles that came with that to someone who must now only take care of themselves has been jarring and disorienting. I miss the purpose that came with being your wife. The Shock of Loss The shock of losing you has not faded, even after 44 months. The world continues to move forward, but I often feel stuck in a moment that I can't escape. The loss is not just of a person but of an entire life—a life filled with shared dreams, plans for the future, and the comfort of knowing we would face whatever came our way together. I often find myself thinking about the plans we had, the future we envisioned. We talked about growing old together, traveling to new places, and watching our grandchildren grow. Those dreams now feel like fragments of a past life that I can no longer touch. The future we planned has been replaced by an uncertain reality that I must navigate alone. The Incompleteness of the Present Living without you feels like living with a piece of my heart missing. Every day is a reminder of your absence, and the void you left behind is vast and profound. The activities and routines that once brought joy now feel hollow. Holidays, anniversaries, and even ordinary days carry a weight of sadness because they were all meant to be shared with you. I miss the security of knowing you were there, the joy of our shared experiences, and the comfort of your presence. Life feels incomplete without you. The world moves on, but a part of me is frozen in the moment I lost you. It’s like watching a movie where the main character has disappeared, and the plot no longer makes sense. Writing as a Means of Healing Writing has become a way for me to process these overwhelming emotions. Putting my thoughts into words helps me make sense of the chaos inside. It’s a way to keep your memory alive and to share the impact you had on my life. Through writing, I can reach out to others who might be experiencing similar feelings and offer a sense of connection and understanding. Embracing the Duality of Grief and Gratitude Grief and gratitude coexist in my heart. I am profoundly grateful for the life we shared, the love we experienced, and the memories we created. At the same time, I am deeply saddened by your absence and the loss of our shared future. This duality is a testament to the depth of our connection. I can miss you and still be thankful for the time we had together. Conclusion: Moving Forward with Love I miss my old life, the one with you in it. The journey of grief is long and arduous, filled with moments of profound sadness and bittersweet memories. Yet, I carry your love with me, using it as a source of strength to move forward. While the life we shared is no longer my reality, the love we built continues to guide me. I am learning to find new purposes, to embrace the present, and to live in a way that honors the incredible bond we had. Love and peace to all who are navigating their own journeys of grief. May we find solace in our memories and strength in our shared experiences.