Being Wanted and Needed

The sentiment in the picture above is why I feel so empty and lost even 44 months later.

First, it is interesting that my "favorite" large number has always been 43. When my children were younger, I would say, "Why do I have to ask 43 times?" Just recently, when my son, daughter-in-law, and I were staying at the Marriott for a short part of our vacation, I said, "Why do they have to put 43 pillows on the bed?" (My daughter-in-law sarcastically replied, "Because 39 is not enough.") As I wrote 44, that number seemed so large. Have I really lived that long without him? It brought me hope that I have indeed made it through.

The Search for Purpose

Yet, still my life—my purpose—doesn’t feel as meaningful when I’m only taking care of myself. Not only was I a wife for 37 years, but I was his caregiver for the last 5 years. He would say, "You have to stay healthy, because someone has to take care of us." We took care of each other. To have so much purpose for so many years and then to suddenly have none is such a shock to everything I thought I was!

I think that's how most of us feel. It's such a shock that we don’t even know how to process the emotion, the feelings. That's why I write—to process, to share, and to try to heal myself through somehow helping others.

Navigating the Shock of Loss

The sudden shift from being a caregiver, a partner, and a crucial part of someone's life to being alone is a profound change. It's not just about missing the person but also about missing the role you played, the purpose you had. For years, my identity was intertwined with his well-being. Now, I struggle to find that same sense of purpose.

Writing as a Tool for Healing

Writing has become my lifeline. It's a way to process the tangled emotions that come with such a significant loss. Through words, I can express the pain, the confusion, and the occasional glimmers of hope. Sharing these thoughts with others who might be experiencing similar feelings helps me feel connected and less alone in this journey.

One of the most comforting aspects of writing about grief is the sense of community it fosters. When we share our stories, we create a network of understanding and support. Knowing that others are walking a similar path and experiencing similar emotions can be incredibly validating and comforting.

Finding New Purpose

As I continue to navigate life without him, I am gradually discovering new purposes. It's not an easy journey, and the sense of emptiness can be overwhelming. However, each day offers a chance to find meaning in new ways—whether through helping others, pursuing passions, or simply taking care of myself in a way that honors the love we shared.

Grief is a long and winding road, filled with unexpected turns and emotions. It's essential to allow ourselves to feel the full spectrum of emotions, from the depths of sorrow to the peaks of hope. By embracing the journey and seeking new purposes, we can slowly begin to fill the void left by our loved ones.

Conclusion: Love and Peace

As I reflect on these 44 months, I am reminded of the enduring power of love and the resilience of the human spirit. Though the journey is challenging, it's also an opportunity for growth and transformation. Through writing, community, and the search for new purposes, we can find ways to honor our loved ones and continue moving forward.

Love and peace to all!