Susan Rardon
Rose, Ph.D.
In grief, it's so easy to want to look back. That's where your heart is! That's where they were! We were reading and discussing this very thing in Ecclesiastes 7:10 in my Bible Study recently, and it hit home for me. The context was in the general looking back as in "the good ol' days", but the idea also gripped me that I was holding on tight to those days. That's where he is!
Yet, we were reminded that this way of thinking can be misleading and even harmful to our spiritual growth. The verse warns us not to ask, "Why were the old days better than these?" because this can lead to a series of spiritual traps that hinder our walk with God. Reflecting on the past can sometimes cause us to fall into patterns that draw us away from our purpose and the abundant life God has planned for us. And, even if we might not want to accept it, God left us here for a reason. His ways are always right — and good. He expects us to live for that purpose.
So, let’s explore the main lessons we discussed and the pitfalls to avoid when we find ourselves longing for the past.
Nostalgia, romance, longing.... These things have a way of distorting our memories. When we look back, we romanticize the past, because they were there. I have said that I won't marry again, because no one can measure up to him. And, while that's true - because while he wasn't perfect, he was perfect for me - no one can truly measure up to a lost loved one. Our memories are usually only of the good. Yes, we remember the bad, but it's similar to childbirth. You know you were in pain, but you truly don't remember it.
This deception can cloud our judgment. Ecclesiastes 7:10 reminds us to live in the present, trusting that God is working in our lives today, just as He did before. Instead of longing for "the good old days," we must focus on where God is leading us now and what He’s doing in our lives today.
When we focus on the past, we may find ourselves growing discontent with the present. This dissatisfaction can steal our joy and make us blind to the blessings and opportunities God has placed in front of us. Contentment, as Paul teaches in Philippians 4:11, is something to be learned and cultivated by trusting in God's provision for today, rather than fixating on what used to be.
And, while we know that this discontent is actually the foundation of grief, we must force ourselves to find joy in the present. They are still here — in our hearts, our memories.
Constantly looking back can also create a sense of distress. We might start worrying that the best moments of our lives are behind us — with them, leading to anxiety about the future. This kind of distress can cause fear, and fear can paralyze us from moving forward. But as believers, we are called to walk by faith, not by fear. God's Word assures us that He has a future for us, full of hope and promise (Jeremiah 29:11).
Dwelling too much on the past can breed resentment. So many in grief get stuck right here. They refuse to address the grief, to sit with the grief. As we've discussed many times, grief will not be ignored. If we remain in the past, refusing to address the love energy that we lost, it will manifest itself in disgruntlement and anger. We remain frustrated that things aren’t the way they used to be. This can lead to anger — anger with ourselves, with others, and even with God. However, as James 1:20 reminds us, "human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." We need to guard our hearts against this bitterness by addressing the grief and focusing on God's ongoing work in our lives.
Longing for the past can distract us from our relationship with God. When we focus on what was, we miss the opportunity to seek God in the here and now. This distraction can weaken our spiritual discipline, keeping us from prayer, worship, and the study of God's Word. Jesus reminds us in Matthew 6:33 to "seek first His kingdom," encouraging us to keep our eyes on Him, rather than what lies behind us.
And, I will have to admit that I selfishly remember a bonus here. Bob's with Him in His kingdom. When I remember to focus on His kingdom and Him, I'm also reminded that I'll see him someday as well — because he's already there. (Can't you just see it? He was so handsome in his earthly body. He has to be a sight to behold, now.)
When we become too focused on what used to be, we disengage from the reality of what God is calling us to do today. Each of us has a unique purpose, but if we’re too busy looking back, we may miss the very opportunities God has placed in front of us. Staying connected to God’s present plan for us helps us live purposefully, as Paul emphasizes in Ephesians 2:10, where he reminds us that we are "created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."
I have also found that focusing on the present has helped me to not be so anxious about the future. Sometimes, just getting through this day is all I have the strength to do. And, that's ok.
Finally, the more we look back with regret or nostalgia, the more defeated we can feel. This defeat keeps us inactive, paralyzed by the belief that nothing will ever be as good as it once was. But as believers, we are not called to live in defeat. Romans 8:37 declares that we are "more than conquerors" through Christ. We must remember that with God, there is always a new chapter unfolding, and He gives us the strength to press forward, no matter what the past holds.
For so long, I held on to regret. It took me so long to have grace with myself. I finally came to the realization that I was making myself more important than God — and Bob. God forgave me. Bob forgave me. (He even said so. He knew me so well. He looked at me in that ICU bed when we finally realized that we had to accept that he was going to be healed on the other side of Heaven and repeated, " I love you. I literally chose you every day of my life. I don't want you to have regrets.") What took me so long to understand what he w trying to say?
As followers of Christ, we are called to live in the present and trust that God is working all things together for our good.
Yet, it took me a while to again accept the notion of ALL things. My human brain wanted to ask how it was good that Bob not be here with me. I was called up short by my Godly mother. (I will forever be blessed to be hers!) The song, The Goodness of God, came out in late 2019. My mother heard it at the start of 2020 — just as we were headed back to Cleveland Clinic for yet another question of diagnosis. (We learned then that it was Amyloidosis rather than Sarcoidosis.) She sent the link to me and reminded me that God is good all the time. I hoped at the time that meant that Bob was going to answer my prayer in the way I wanted. But, Bob reminded me that we don't know the whole picture. And, that has became my hope - God is GOOD ALL the time, even when he has to tell us, "No" or "Wait". He's a loving Father. (And, I had a wonderful, loving Godly earthly Father as well.)
By focusing on the blessings he provides for us (Godly grandparents, Godly parents, and a Godly husband — to name but a few), His promises, staying engaged with His purpose for us today, and walking in faith rather than fear, we can avoid the pitfalls of looking back and embrace the abundant life He has set before us, today.
I am a school counselor turned counselor educator, professor, and author helping educators and parents to build social, emotional, and academic growth in ALL kids! The school counseling blog delivers both advocacy as well as strategies to help you deliver your best school counseling program.
I'm a mother, grandmother, professor, author, and wife (I'll always be his). Until October 20, 2020, I lived with my husband, Robert (Bob) Rose, in Louisville, Ky. On that awful day of October 20,2020, my life profoundly changed, when this amazing man went on to Heaven. After Bob moved to Heaven, I embraced my love of writing as an outlet for grief. Hence, the Grief Blog is my attempt to share what I learned as a Counselor in education with what I am learning through this experience of walking this earth without him. My mission is to help those in grief move forward to see joy beyond this most painful time.
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