September/October 2020

October 2020 was and will remain the most difficult month of my life. It is the month that I lost my soulmate, my husband, my co-parent, my best friend, my everything!

It began in late September, when we went back to the hospital yet again, because you were having a lot of difficulty with your digestive system and were in great pain. You were admitted, because your system was having great difficulty with solid waste and your kidney numbers were off the charts. You began having dialysis every other day. The procedure took over four hours and drained your energy.

After one dialysis, your system crashed. I had gone to Tony and Lauren's to watch the children as Tony was having surgery. Even though it was minor, outpatient surgery, they didn't want the children to be with a regular babysitter. The hospitalist on duty called me. Her first question was whether you had a DNR. Because I was scared and because I was upset that she didn't even care enough to read the records, I lied and said that you weren't. She explained that you needed to go to ICU, but were refusing until I got back. She asked me to call you and insist that you go. This and the dialysis are the areas that I regret most. You were so upset that I was going against your wishes, yet you followed my wishes. It still humbles me that you loved and respected me so much. You put my needs before your own even as you fought death. And, we fought bitterly over the dialysis. I was sure that it was going to extend your life, because I knew people that had been on dialysis for years. You kept telling me that you were living in that body and knew that it was not. I just couldn't give up hope. I married you, because I couldn't imagine life without you. I needed to believe that you were going to overcome this.

And, for a minute, I thought hope had won. You overcame the ICU scare, and we were dismissed on Sunday, October 4. The hospital ordered the home dialysis equipment and set up a time for me to be trained. However, we didn't make it that far. The following Monday, October 12, you said that we needed to go back to the hospital. You were in extreme pain and had been since we were released the previous Sunday. We had had a terrible weekend as you knew the end was soon, and I was scared beyond words. In my mind, you were giving up. In your mind, I wasn't listening and believing you that your body was failing you. In reality, we were both terrified - you of death and me of living life without you. Yet, again, you thought of me. As we waited for the ambulance, you said to me, "I can't imagine life without you, so I guess I love you." Those words meant so much to me, and they continue to. I joked, "I guess." And, we laughed and hugged as we did before the illness. Then, the paramedics came and took you in the ambulance while I followed to Norton Audubon. You said you wanted to go to Audubon rather than Brownsboro, because your heart specialist was there. I have always believed that you knew this was probably the last stay and you didn't want me to have to pass the hospital where I lost you so often. You always thought of others first, especially me. I am so grateful to be your Suz!!!!