Susan Rardon
Rose, Ph.D.
We were all dreading our first holiday without you. You always brought the fun with your wonderful sense of humor and over-the-top generosity. And, of course, we reminisced over past Thanksgivings from the children bringing the feast to your hospital room last year to the chaotic years with dinners at both our parents' houses in Ashland to the years with us as the "Mom and Dad" to "Papa and Gogo" and all those years in between.
So, David thought it best for us to get away and do something entirely different rather than try to recreate something that we couldn't possibly do with your chair empty. He offered to pay for us all to go to Disney World. With Lauren's help in finding a condo and organizing the trip, we were off for the week of Thanksgiving.
The Browns drove down, while David and I flew. We had all gone to Build a Bear to have your heartbeat put into stuffed animals as a "memory box" kind of thing. I missed you so badly that I took mine with me. It's a teddy bear dressed like you—plaid shorts, a U of L t-shirt, and black tennis shoes. I'm sure people got a laugh out of "grandma" carrying a stuffed toy through the airport with no kids in sight. But, one thing I have learned through walking this earth without you in physical form is that people's opinions don't matter. I so wish I had listened to you and learned that earlier. Loss, especially a loss as painful as losing you, gives perspective for sure.
We met up at the condo, which was very nice. The condo itself had three bedrooms, a lovely dining room, a fully equipped kitchen with an eat-in bar as well, and a really nice family room. The property was beautiful with an arcade room, a beautiful pool, and plenty of space. It should have been a nice vacation, and it was for the most part because we were together. Yet, the elephant in the room—as it were—was that you weren't there. It was just too soon to have very much enjoyment out of anything—even with our wonderful children and grandchildren. Yet, we persevered on. We had to learn to live this life separated from you for the moment.
On the first day, we all arrived late, so we got settled and stayed in that night. Lauren had ordered groceries and had them delivered, so we had food in the condo. The next day, we drove around and toured the part of Orlando where we were staying on our way over to Disney Springs (what will always be Downtown Disney to me) for dinner. Then, we walked around and shopped. The next day was spent swimming, playing in the arcade room, and enjoying the condo. On Thanksgiving Day, we went to a really nice restaurant where Lauren had booked reservations.
Then, on Friday, we went to Disney World. As you know, I am an emotional eater. So, given that I was an emotional wreck trying to fit into this world as an "I" rather than a "we," I had put on some weight since the last time we walked around Disney World. This, along with the heart condition that hadn't been diagnosed and corrected yet and the pity party that I can now admit I threw for myself in those first couple of years, made it difficult to get around. I tried, but eventually ended up walking back up to the front to get a scooter. On Saturday, we checked out of the condo before we went to EPCOT. Lauren helped me to get a scooter before we went in this time as it had been a "thing" the day before. Yet, this day was even more difficult than the Magic Kingdom day. I'm not sure if it was being overtired from the previous day or that EPCOT was your favorite and held such memories—probably a mix of both—but this day was difficult for all of us. Still, we plodded through and managed to make it fun for the children. We made it through our first holiday and made a few good memories, even with the struggle of our patriarch in heaven.
As I reflect on our first holiday without you, I realize how much we relied on your presence to make life, in general, special. Your laughter, your stories, and your kindness were the glue that held our family together. Disney World was both a distraction and a challenge. It was a place filled with happy memories of our past visits, but also a stark reminder of your absence. The scooter was a necessity, a concession to the physical and emotional weight I was carrying. Moving through the parks, I was reminded of the countless times we had walked hand-in-hand, sharing in the wonder of it all.
This first holiday without you was a reminder that while life goes on, it is forever changed. As we move forward, we carry your love with us. Your legacy of love, generosity, and joy will always be a part of our family, guiding us through the challenges and helping us to find moments of happiness.
I will always love you!!!
I am a school counselor turned counselor educator, professor, and author helping educators and parents to build social, emotional, and academic growth in ALL kids! The school counseling blog delivers both advocacy as well as strategies to help you deliver your best school counseling program.
I'm a mother, grandmother, professor, author, and wife (I'll always be his). Until October 20, 2020, I lived with my husband, Robert (Bob) Rose, in Louisville, Ky. On that awful day of October 20,2020, my life profoundly changed, when this amazing man went on to Heaven. After Bob moved to Heaven, I embraced my love of writing as an outlet for grief. Hence, the Grief Blog is my attempt to share what I learned as a Counselor in education with what I am learning through this experience of walking this earth without him. My mission is to help those in grief move forward to see joy beyond this most painful time.
Useful Links