The Price of Grief: Loved and Lost

The Tennyson quote above has become so linked with grief that it is almost trite. Yet, it holds so much meaning that it doesn't reach that status. I would definitely accept the grief to have your love. Love hurts, sometimes, but nothing has blessed me as much as your love. Your love gave me our children, and thus our grandchildren. Your love has blessed me exponentially!

The Unique Bond We Shared



There will be no other "You and Me." We were the best team! Of course, there have been many romances throughout the thousands of years, but our love story was ours.  Yet, we know that the greater the love, the greater the loss. It's ironic that I could get through anything as long you were there, holding me, and telling me that it was going to be okay. I need you to get through your loss! You were my rock - my best friend and biggest cheerleader.

Facing the Quiet of Christmas Morning

And, now, on this Christmas Day, I realize that this is the first Christmas that I have awakened to a quiet house and spent the morning with "just me". David and Caitlyn have spent it at their house, and the Browns have celebrated as a family as well. While I recognize that's how it's supposed to be, the quiet of the house makes your absence all the bigger. I miss you so much!! This Christmas season has been even more difficult than the previous three, and that's confusing for me. Yet, feelings are feelings.

Connecting Through Writing

And, that's why I'm writing this blog - to connect with you and your love. I have often talked about love being an energy. N.T. Wright says it like this: "Love doesn't stop at death . . . Grief could almost be defined as the form love takes when the object of love has been removed; it is loved embracing an empty space, love kissing thin air and feeling the pain of nothingness." That expresses my feeling so well.

I have continued to feel so lost as to what to do with that energy now that you aren't here to hold that love. So, I'm trying to pour out my thoughts and longings onto these pages - in an attempt to help both myself and others. As you know, I still talk to you about my struggles and I continue to pray as we usually did together.

The Struggles of Moving Forward



For now, those struggles seem to be:

• That I feel stripped of the props I used to rely on - namely you, but also the bravado that I held onto.  I didn't see bad things as long as you were there protecting me, but I didn't see that I was actually hiding behind you.  You did.  You said, "I was the wind beneath your wings" and sang that song.  I was happy to be Mrs. Rose. It afforded me great privilege and pleasure!
• That I am forced to see myself for who I am.  As long as you were holding me up, I felt better.  Now, I'm struggling to find who I am.

The Continuation of Our Love Story

Yet, beyond these struggles, I am reminded of another quote from C.S. Lewis:

He had just lost his wife, and he realized that this was just part of life. Even though I feel as life will always be broken into two parts- with you and without you, I am still the me I was when you were here with me physically, because your love and lessons I learned with you are still with me. This is simply part of my life story now as much as I wish it weren't.

Even though life feels divided into "with you" and "without you," I am still the person I was when you were physically here. Your love and the lessons I learned with you continue to shape me. This new chapter, though painful, is now part of my life story. And as much as I wish it weren't, it is also a testament to the depth of our love and the enduring impact you have on me.