The Balance of Grief: You Chose to Love ... and Now You Are Lost!

The title of this blog is one of the first lines in Chapter 1 of the devotional (mentioned in the last blog) that I'm reading now. It seemed to answer the question I had been asking myself, "Why do we call it loss?" You weren't lost. I know exactly where you are - in Heaven. But, we call it loss, because we (those left behind) are lost. After three long years, I am still finding who I am as an "I" rather than a "we".

The True Meaning of Sacrificial Love

I have learned that the saying, "I would die for you" is not as loving as it seems. It's actually selfish. Yes, it's love because you love them so much that you wouldn't want to live without them. Yet, it also means that you want the other person to go through the pain of grief rather than yourself. I love you enough that I will do this for us, but I have missed you and will continue to miss you each and every moment of each and every day.

Depths of Grief and Love

I have discussed this concept with my students for over ten years now - that grief is at the depth of the love. But now, I truly understand the meaning of those words. I am so very thankful that I was able to love you more than I love myself and to receive your unconditional, undying love. And, it just occurred to me as I wrote "undying love" what that really means. You sang the song "If Tomorrow Never Comes" along with Garth Brooks in the hospital rooms of Cleveland Clinic and Norton's, and it meant so much. Yet, it means even more now. Your love was undying. It sustains me now as I wait to see you again.

Choosing to Love

One of the questions in the interactive part of the devotion was, "Why did you choose to love?" I wrote, "It almost felt like it wasn't a choice to love Bob. Yes, I wanted a forever love at the time, but he so swiftly swept me off my feet that it felt like God." We talked about that many times over the years, especially as you got to know me better and realized that I don't let too many people in. I know it was God leading me to you because I let you in so easily and loved you at a depth that still confounds my soul. It will always be a regret that I let fear rob us of any time. I couldn't grasp for a while that you loved me as much as I loved you, so any disagreement sent fear through me that I would lose you. That couldn't have happened; I know that now.

Becoming a Better Person Through Love

Chapter 1 ends with this question, "Are you a better person for loving?" I wrote, "So much better, because Bob filled in my gaps and taught me so much!" I am the person I am today, for better or for worse, because of you.

Reflection and Gratitude

As I reflect on these three years without you, I realize how deeply your love has shaped and continues to shape my life. Your Godly leadership, unwavering support, and the profound love we shared have been my guiding lights. I am still navigating this journey, learning to be an "I" instead of a "we," but your undying love remains a constant source of strength and comfort.

I am grateful for every moment we had together and for the love story that still lives on in my heart. While I miss you every day, I know that part of you is with me, helping me become a better person and reminding me of the incredible gift of our love.

Forever Love!!!