Susan Rardon
Rose, Ph.D.
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The Life We Can No Longer Share
Susan Rose • September 30, 2024
What People Think We Grieve: The Loved One We Lost
Versus
What We Actually Grieve: The Life We Can No Longer Share
When someone loses a loved one, the first assumption by those around them is that grief stems solely from the absence of the person who has passed. It’s true — losing someone you love feels like a piece of your soul has been torn away. Their presence, once so constant, is now painfully absent. But grief is not just about the loved one who is no longer there. It runs much deeper than that.
What People Think We Grieve
On the surface, people expect that our grief is tied to the singular fact that someone important is missing. They envision the hole that loss leaves in our hearts and the emptiness it brings to daily life. They see the loved one’s face and think, this is who they are grieving. And while that’s true, it is only the beginning.
What We Actually Grieve
Grief extends far beyond the person who passed. It touches everything they were a part of, everything they influenced in our world. What we actually grieve are all the moments that are now impossible. This is just a small glimpse into what we truly mourn:
- The Missed Moments
We grieve the events that will never happen. The birthdays, holidays, and milestones where their absence will be felt like an open wound. The chair that remains empty at the dinner table. Every year, every season, every tradition is now changed forever, stained with a lingering sense of "what should have been." - The Memories We Can No Longer Make
What hurts the most are the memories yet to be made, the ones now forever lost. The spontaneous laughs, the deep conversations, the mundane but special moments shared on a quiet evening—these are the heartaches of the future we cannot reclaim. It's not the major memories such as trips and holidays, but the familiarity of knowing that person is always there. - The Conversations That Can No Longer Be Had
The things we long to tell them—those everyday stories and the deepest thoughts that feel incomplete without their ears to hear. There’s an aching silence where their advice, their humor, or their presence once filled the room. - The Happy Moments We Want to Share
Life goes on, and at times happiness returns. But each joyous moment is now tinged with bitter-sweetness. We grieve not having them there to share in our triumphs, laugh at our jokes, or revel in our joy. Whether it’s good news, an exciting life event, or just a small success, it feels hollow without them by our side. - The Future Plans We Made Together
We made plans together - to retire and grown old together. We imagined future adventures such as that Alaskan cruise he always wanted to take and continued to share dreams and goals. When he passed, I not only lost him, but also the life we envisioned. Those plans are now just echoes of what could have been, and grieving them feels like mourning a second loss. - Our Life Before They Died
There’s a painful longing for the life that was, before death shattered everything. Grief is a constant reminder that there was a time when things felt whole, when life was different, and we took their presence for granted. - The One Who Helped Us Make Decisions
We grieve the loss of a confidant, the one we turned to for advice, guidance, or just a sounding board. Without them, decisions feel heavier, choices more daunting. That anchor in life, the one who helped us steer the ship, is gone, and now we are left adrift in uncertainty.
Grief is layered. It is raw, it is complex, and it is deeply personal. It's not just the person we mourn, but the life we built with them, the one that no longer exists. It’s the day-to-day moments, the shared experiences, and the future we imagined. Grief is the life we thought we'd have but must now live without.
So, as you travel this road, remember: it’s not just the person you miss. It’s all the moments, big and small, that they can no longer share. It’s the life that’s forever changed, the plans erased, the conversations left unfinished. That is the true weight of grief.
Final Thoughts
What people think we grieve is simple: the loved one who is no longer with us. But what we actually grieve is infinitely more profound. It’s the pieces of ourselves, our future, and our lives that went with them. Grief is not just about death; it’s about the empty spaces left in our hearts, the voids in our lives, and the echoes of what could have been.
I am a school counselor turned counselor educator, professor, and author helping educators and parents to build social, emotional, and academic growth in ALL kids! The school counseling blog delivers both advocacy as well as strategies to help you deliver your best school counseling program.
I'm a mother, grandmother, professor, author, and wife (I'll always be his). Until October 20, 2020, I lived with my husband, Robert (Bob) Rose, in Louisville, Ky. On that awful day of October 20,2020, my life profoundly changed, when this amazing man went on to Heaven. After Bob moved to Heaven, I embraced my love of writing as an outlet for grief. Hence, the Grief Blog is my attempt to share what I learned as a Counselor in education with what I am learning through this experience of walking this earth without him. My mission is to help those in grief move forward to see joy beyond this most painful time.
We don’t expect people to “move on” when something wonderful happens, so it baffles me that we expect them to move on when something terrible happens. When Bob came into my life, no one ever said, “You’re celebrating another anniversary. You need to get over that. You need to move on.” Similarly, when we sent out invitations to our children’s birthday parties, no one responded, “Another birthday! You need to move on.” Yet, when grief enters the picture, there seems to be an unspoken societal timeline, as though love and loss have an expiration date. Life Goes On, But Love Stays Life does go on, and we move forward, but moving on implies leaving something behind—as if grief were a mistake we learn from and then discard. Loving Bob was not a mistake. It was the greatest blessing of my life, and I’d choose him every time. My love for him didn’t vanish when his address changed to Heaven. It’s as present now as it was when he was by my side. Love is eternal, and so is its impact on our lives. The Fallacy of “Moving On” The idea of “moving on” after a loss diminishes the depth of our connections. It suggests that relationships—those we treasure most—can be packed away like old clothes, as though their value diminishes over time. But love isn’t something we outgrow. Instead, it becomes a part of us. It shapes who we are, influences how we live, and continues to grow even in the absence of the person we lost. When I think of Bob, I don’t dwell solely on his absence. I think of the joy, laughter, and shared experiences that enriched my life. I carry those memories with me, and they continue to guide and inspire me. Love isn’t bound by time or space. It transcends earthly limits, connecting us in ways that are both profound and unexplainable. The Blessing of Eternal Love Scripture reminds us of love’s permanence. In Romans 8:38-39, Paul writes: “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” This truth offers immense comfort. If God’s love for us is unchanging and eternal, so too is the love we share with others. Bob’s physical presence may be absent, but the bond we created remains intact, woven into the fabric of my life and my faith. As I move forward, I do so with the knowledge that loving Bob was—and continues to be—one of the greatest joys of my life. I will never “move on” from that love, because it is not something to be left behind. Instead, I carry it with me, allowing it to shape my actions, decisions, and relationships. Redefining Grief Grief is not about letting go; it’s about holding on to what matters while finding a way to live fully in the present. It’s a process of integrating loss into life, of continuing to love and honor those we’ve lost while embracing the blessings that remain. Final Thoughts Love doesn’t end, and neither should the way we honor it. Moving forward means cherishing the love we’ve known and allowing it to guide us into the future. My love for Bob is not a chapter to close but a story that continues to unfold. And as I walk this journey, I do so with gratitude for the love that shaped me and the promise that it will one day reunite us in Heaven.
The Role of School Counselors
Continuing to Spread Love and Kindness
If all you can do this week is just to trudge through each day and put one foot in front of the other and breathe, that’s enough. This week can be difficult for those of us who lost our spouse. Valentine's Day is so focused on romantic love. It's perfectly okay to allow that some days are just like that, especially for those of us with an empty chair at the table and a hole in our hearts. This week, especially Friday, February 14, might be one of those days for you, and if it is, I want you to know that you’re not alone. Letting Go of Expectations Grief is heavy enough without adding the weight of others’ expectations—or your own. There is no rulebook for how you should feel or what you should accomplish on difficult days. It’s okay if all you do today is exist. Please don’t measure yourself against standards that don’t fit where you are right now. Your journey is yours alone, and surviving today is a victory worth celebrating. When the weight of grief feels unbearable, finding even the smallest joys can help you move forward. Whether it’s the warmth of a cup of coffee, the embrace of a loved one, or the sound of your favorite song, these little moments of light can make a big difference. Embrace what brings you comfort and lean on the support system you have. You Are Enough You are enough, exactly as you are today. The pain you’re carrying doesn’t diminish your worth or your strength. Surviving a difficult day requires courage, and even if it doesn’t feel like it, you’re showing that courage right now. Remember, healing isn’t linear, and some days just surviving is more than enough. The Power of Breathing Breathing might seem like the simplest act, but on hard days, it’s also one of the most profound. Taking a moment to focus on your breath—to inhale deeply and exhale slowly—can ground you in the present. It’s a small act of self-care, a reminder that you are alive and that each breath is a step toward healing. Remember that those relationships we cherish don’t end when life changes. Instead, we carry them with us. Their love and influence remain a part of us, shaping who we are and guiding us even in their absence. Final Thoughts This week with the anticipation of Valentine's Day and then the day itself may be difficult, but you’re doing enough. By simply taking one step at a time, you are showing incredible strength. Be kind to yourself and remember: you’re not alone in this journey. You are enough, and you’re doing the best you can. That is more than enough.
This truth has become a mantra for me in this season of life. As we move into February, a month filled with the reminders of love and togetherness brought by Valentine’s Day, I’m reminded of this reality again and again. People honestly do try to understand, but they just can’t—and that’s okay. The Depth of Loss Before I lost my amazing husband and Daddy within ten months of each other, I thought I understood deep loss. I had seen others grieve, and I had offered my support, believing I was empathetic. I had grieved myself for my grandparents and others, but these were "in order" losses. We somehow don't even allow ourselves to think of losing our spouse. It's too painful! When it became my reality at what I consider a relatively young age - 56, I could never have fathomed the sheer weight of it—how it changes your world and reshapes every aspect of your life. This realization has helped me navigate interactions with others who try to offer comfort but sometimes miss the mark. Their words may not always land the way they intend, but I’ve learned to give grace. They mean well, even if their expressions of support come across as awkward or even hurt
Spreading Love and Kindness
It’s so interesting how the beginning of our relationship and the ending are so similar. Bob sent me this card the year we were dating, while he was stationed on the USS Saipan in Arlington, VA, and I was “home” in Ashland, Kentucky. The words he wrote resonate deeply with me now, years later, as I reflect on the continuation of our love story. Relationships don’t end with the physical body. The bond we shared transcends time and space, and I know our love will endure until the day I join him in Heaven. The Eternal Connection Even though Bob is no longer physically here, I carry him with me every day. Our love didn’t cease to exist when his earthly journey ended. Instead, it has taken on a new form—one rooted in memory, faith, and the promise of eternity. Love like ours doesn’t fade; it becomes a part of who we are, woven into the fabric of our being. Every moment we shared, every challenge we faced, and every joy we celebrated together continue to shape me and guide me. The Card That Spoke Volumes That card he sent me when we were just beginning our journey together is a cherished keepsake. The words he wrote—filled with hope, love, and anticipation—echo the feelings I have now. Just as we longed to be together during our early days, I now find myself longing for the day we will be reunited in Heaven. The love we nurtured on earth was a glimpse of the eternal love we will share in God’s presence. Love Beyond Life Scripture reminds us that love is eternal. In 1 Corinthians 13:8, Paul writes, “Love never fails.” This profound truth gives me hope and comfort. Our relationship wasn’t just a chapter in my life; it was a part of God’s greater story. I believe that the love we shared was a reflection of His love for us—unending, unconditional, and eternal. Bob’s presence may be absent from this world, but his love continues to fill my heart and guide my steps. Gratitude for a Love Story I feel incredibly blessed to have experienced a love story like ours. So many people go through life without finding a connection as deep and meaningful. I’m grateful for every moment we had, from the laughter we shared to the challenges we overcame together. Those memories are a treasure trove of joy and strength that sustain me now. They remind me that our love was a gift—one I will carry with me until the day I see Bob again. The Promise of Reunion In John 14:2-3, Jesus offers a promise that fills me with hope: “My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.” I believe this promise extends to our relationships as well. The love we share on earth is a glimpse of the glory and joy we will experience in Heaven. He's up there building my mansion in Heaven right not - with my Daddy, Grampsy, Ern and Jill and Granny supervising. I can just see it. Final Thoughts Our love story doesn’t have an ending. It’s a continuous thread that stretches from earth to eternity. I am comforted by the knowledge that Bob is waiting for me, and until that day comes, I will carry him in my heart. This journey of love and loss has deepened my faith and reminded me of the eternal nature of God’s love. I was so lucky to have this love story, and I am even luckier to know that it’s not over yet.
A Guide for School Counselors Facing DEI Policy Changes
Elevated Above Angels
In times of political change, such as an inauguration or the transition of leadership, students may experience heightened confusion, anxiety, or even conflict at home and in their communities. These feelings are understandable, especially when the conversations they hear from parents, peers, and the media are charged with conflicting viewpoints. As school counselors, you play a pivotal role in creating a safe space where students can process these changes, understand their feelings, and develop healthy strategies to cope with uncertainty. In this blog, we’ll explore practical ways school counselors can support students during periods of political transition, all while maintaining a neutral, fact-based approach that respects different perspectives. Understanding Student Concerns Political transitions can evoke a range of emotions in students: Confusion: With differing opinions at home and in the community, students may feel overwhelmed by the amount of conflicting information. Anxiety: The uncertainty that accompanies change can lead to feelings of worry about the future or about societal stability. Identity and Belonging: For some, political changes can prompt questions about their own beliefs or place within their community, especially if they are caught between divergent viewpoints. By acknowledging these feelings, counselors can validate student experiences and set the stage for constructive conversations. Creating a Safe and Neutral Space One of the most important roles of a school counselor during times of political change is to provide a nonpartisan environment where students feel heard and supported. Here are some strategies to consider: Establish Ground Rules for Dialogue: Encourage respectful conversation by setting clear expectations for discussion. Remind students that the counseling space is a place for open expression without judgment or political persuasion. Listen Actively: Practice active listening to help students articulate their concerns. This validates their feelings and helps them understand that it’s okay to have mixed emotions during uncertain times. Neutral Information Sharing: When students ask questions about political events, focus on sharing verifiable, factual information. You can help them understand the process behind political transitions without endorsing any particular viewpoint. Helping Students Navigate Conflicting Messages Students often receive mixed messages from their families and communities during political transitions. Counselors can help students process these messages by: Encouraging Critical Thinking: Guide students in evaluating the information they receive. Encourage them to ask questions like: “What are the sources of this information?” or “What evidence supports this perspective?” This approach helps them build skills in discerning fact from opinion. Discussing Emotions and Reactions: Facilitate sessions where students can explore their emotional responses to conflicting views. Discussing these reactions can help students manage stress and reduce feelings of isolation. Role-Playing Scenarios: Use role-playing exercises to simulate respectful dialogue. This can empower students to express their views and practice empathy, even when discussing sensitive topics. Fostering Emotional Resilience Emotional resilience is key to helping students navigate the sometimes turbulent landscape of political change. Consider the following approaches: Mindfulness and Stress-Relief Techniques: Incorporate mindfulness exercises, deep breathing, or guided meditation into your sessions. These practices can help students manage anxiety and maintain a sense of calm during stressful times. Support Groups: Create small groups where students can share their experiences and coping strategies in a moderated, supportive setting. These groups foster community and allow students to learn from one another’s perspectives. Individual Counseling: For students who experience significant distress, individualized counseling can provide tailored strategies to manage their emotions and build resilience in a challenging environment. Final Thoughts Political transitions such as inaugurations and changes in leadership are a natural part of our civic life, yet they can create a challenging environment for students navigating conflicting messages from their families and communities. As school counselors, your role in providing a safe, neutral, and supportive space is invaluable. By encouraging critical thinking, fostering respectful dialogue, and promoting emotional resilience, you help students develop the skills they need to process their feelings and engage with the world around them in a thoughtful, informed manner. Remember, the goal is not to sway political opinions but to empower students to understand and manage their emotions, learn to navigate conflicting information, and become more confident in their ability to form their own opinions based on reliable, factual information. Together, we can guide our students through these transitions, ensuring that they emerge not only informed but also resilient and compassionate citizens.
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