Bob,

I felt so much a half when you went to Heaven. We had “become one” and remained such a team for so long that I felt literally lost without you.  So, when I found myself as an individual again, it felt like I was only half a person. It was almost unbearable. 

I felt torn in half, incomplete, and utterly alone. Even though I had my parents and the children and grandchildren, I didn’t have you—my other half. I still question what my purpose here is. Why was I left without you? Why did you have to go so young?

Soren Kierkegaard writes, “Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward.” I know I will eventually have answers to these questions—even if it is when I am with you in Heaven—but it is so difficult to move forward without those answers. I have learned in these last three years that God is still with me, and I am here because He wants me here. Yet, why?

It is, and will continue to be, challenging to live life to the fullest—not “half”-heartedly or partially —but I know that is what you want for me. We talked about you not wanting me to have regrets and to be happy. You knew me better than I know myself and knew that would be so hard for me. I will continue to be so grateful that you were more concerned for me than for yourself right down to the end. While I was playing nurse and trying so hard to keep you with me, you saw that as love and knew I loved you as well, even though I was so angry at having to watch you die.

To honor your love and your wishes, I will make that promise to you—to try to live life to the fullest, to bring your light to the world. We never believed in New Year’s resolutions, so I’ll just say it’s a promise to you beginning with this year.

Living without you has been a journey through the depths of sorrow and the heights of our shared memories. I often find myself reflecting on the times we spent together, the laughter, the love, and the simple moments that now seem so precious. 

Your belief in us and the life we built together continues to inspire me. I remember how we always faced challenges head-on, supporting each other through thick and thin. That spirit of partnership, of being a team, is something I carry with me every day. Even though you are no longer here physically, your presence and the lessons we learned together guide me.

I want to embrace life with the same vigor and passion that we did together. I want to honor your memory by living a life that reflects the love we shared. 

In my quest to live fully, I also want to give back in ways that would make you proud. I want to ensure that your legacy of kindness and compassion lives on.

I know there will be days when the grief feels overwhelming, when the absence of your presence is like a void. On those days, I will remind myself of your strength and your unwavering belief in me. I will lean on the love and support of our family, knowing that together we can navigate this path.

This journey is far from easy, but I will move forward with our memories. I will strive to bring your light to the world, to live a life that is a testament to the incredible person you were and the profound impact you had on my life.

So, here’s to a new beginning, a promise to you, and a future where I carry your love with me in all that I do. This is for us, my love, and the beautiful life we shared.

All my love forever,

Suz