Susan Rardon
Rose, Ph.D.
Grief is messy and humans are messy. We need to accept that going through loss is going to be messy. As you sit with your client or friend in this pause that is new grief, the best thing to do is to admit that there’s nothing that you can do to “fix it,” but you are here and you care for them. But we’re the counselor; we’re expected to know what to do. Yes, we’ve been taught all those words of comfort, but they don’t fit right now. In early grief, nothing you can do or say is going to be right. It’s PAINFUL! We can’t heal someone’s pain by taking it away from them. It is much more useful and kind to acknowledge the pain.
It is a relief for both you and your friend or client to tell and hear the truth. This stinks and it’s going to for a while. It’s analogous to a wound in the body. We can take medicine, wear a cast, etc. But the body takes time to heal. And usually, as we heal, the body spits out messy things such as pus, blood, etc. To expect that mental pain would do anything less is ignoring the pain. We need to allow that same messy healing for the mental anguish of grief, especially out-of-order grief. (Worden calls this complicated grief, but isn’t all grief complicated?)
Carrying this analogy even further, I’m reminded of the tree. It doesn’t really even heal the wound. When a tree is wounded, the injured tissue is not repaired and does not heal. Trees do not heal; they seal. If we look at an old wound, we will notice that it does not “heal” from the inside out, but eventually, the tree covers the opening by forming specialized “callus” tissue around the edges of the wound. That’s how those holes that we call “knots” are formed.
And the tree continues to grow even with the wound. In early grief, we’re still part of the wound. We haven’t moved on to actual healing. That will take time. And it will take even more time and work to form the callus around the wound that will allow for the tree to begin to focus on growth again. Arborists advise that, rather than seal out infection, wound dressings often seal in moisture and decay. In most cases, it is best to simply let wounds seal on their own. We can carry this lesson to ourselves. It’s best not to even attempt to fix the wound, but to allow your friend or client to sit with their grief and learn from it. These are high-level “soft” skills and not easy to practice as it’s human nature to want to fix something that appears broken. But the main skills can be expressed as simple counseling: (1) Be truly present, (2) Listen attentively, and (3) Provide Unconditional Positive Regard. The biggest lesson: Don’t fix!
Grieving people would much rather have you stumble through your support than have you confidently assert that things are not as bad as they seem. Please, for all that’s holy, don’t remind them how strong they are! They don’t feel strong at this moment. We need to let the pain exist so that our friend or client feels safe enough to say, “This hurts.” As a support person, companionship inside what hurts is what is asked of you. By not offering solutions for what cannot be fixed, you can make things better, even when you can’t make them right. (Devine, 2017)
Grief is inherently messy, filled with unpredictable waves of emotion and moments of deep sorrow. It is essential to acknowledge and accept this messiness rather than attempting to tidy it up with well-meaning but ultimately unhelpful words or actions. This acceptance is the first step in providing genuine support to those who are grieving.
Offering unconditional positive regard means accepting the grieving person as they are, without judgment. It’s about showing them that their feelings are valid and that they are not alone in their pain. This acceptance can provide a sense of safety and comfort during a tumultuous time.
One of the most challenging aspects of supporting someone in grief is resisting the urge to fix their pain. It’s natural to want to make things better, but grief is not something that can be fixed. Instead, focus on being a compassionate companion on their journey. Recognize that your role is to support, not to solve.
Telling and hearing the truth can be incredibly healing. It's perfectly fine to say, "This stinks!" And, accept that it’s going to be tough for a while. Acknowledging the painful situation can provide a sense of relief. It validates the grief experience and lets us know that all feelings are normal and understandable.
Just as a tree seals its wounds rather than heals them in the traditional sense, grief is about learning to live with the wound rather than eliminating it. I know that, over time, the pain will become more bearable, and I will find a new normal. Encouragement to take the time needed and to be patient is crucial.
Ultimately, the most important thing you can offer is companionship inside the pain. By being present, listening attentively, and providing unconditional positive regard, you create a space where the grieving person can feel safe and supported. This companionship, more than any words or actions, is what helps them navigate the difficult journey of grief.
Supporting someone through grief is challenging, but it’s also a profound act of love and compassion as they go through this profound change. By embracing the messiness of grief and offering genuine, empathetic support, you can make a meaningful difference in their healing process. Remember, it’s not about fixing the pain but about walking alongside them as they find their way through it.
References
Devine, M. (2017). It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand. Boulder, CO: Sounds True. (ISBN: 97871622039074)
I am a school counselor turned counselor educator, professor, and author helping educators and parents to build social, emotional, and academic growth in ALL kids! The school counseling blog delivers both advocacy as well as strategies to help you deliver your best school counseling program.
I'm a mother, grandmother, professor, author, and wife (I'll always be his). Until October 20, 2020, I lived with my husband, Robert (Bob) Rose, in Louisville, Ky. On that awful day of October 20,2020, my life profoundly changed, when this amazing man went on to Heaven. After Bob moved to Heaven, I embraced my love of writing as an outlet for grief. Hence, the Grief Blog is my attempt to share what I learned as a Counselor in education with what I am learning through this experience of walking this earth without him. My mission is to help those in grief move forward to see joy beyond this most painful time.
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